10 Things Ill Never Do When Im a Lawyer

I know. These sorts of Ill-never-do-that promises are usually a bad idea. Ill take my chances.
These are in no particular order.

Take a felony murder case as my very first trial and then brag on Facebook when the judge declares a mistrial, without noting that the mistrial was due to my incompetence.

Refuse to ask for help on a case if Im in over my head.

Sue the Internet when people say mean things about me.

Hire a law clerk when what I really wanted was an errand girl/refrigerator stocker/organizational expert/secretary.

Post sexiface pictures of myself on the Internet.

Dispense unsolicited, douchey-smug advice to bar exam takers about the reasons why people fail.

Make TV appearances for the purpose of trashing fellow defense lawyers.

Brag about my grades in law school. (This is really a moot point because frankly my grades are not much to brag about, but there are some a few maybe 25 people out there with worse grades than mine and I dont want to sound uppity.)
Have a law-related vanity license plate.

Fail to listen to my gut instinct. Its rarely (if ever) led me down the wrong path.